I feel like I’ve just been hit by a train! I am reading a book that just made a light go off in me. I have held onto my anger so tightly as if it were my protection for survival in life. I have justified my anger, I have protected my anger, I have hurt people and myself with my anger. My anger has been my lifelong partner. I write this blog in tears and pain and some relief.
I have worked for years, since my teenage years on up, in so many forms of self education, self responsibility and self growth. I have faced my anger. I have acknowledged my anger worked when I was a child and throughout my life to help protect me and help me survive situations one should not be in. I have never owned victimhood, I have repelled it like the plague. Yet, maybe going too extreme, I have taken responsibility for the entire world at times.
I have processed and learned forgiveness. I have looked my anger in the eye and sometimes embraced it as if it were a father looking over me. I have cried at the consequences my anger has caused. I have felt shame and guilt. I have also defended the use of anger in defense of my righteousness.
I sit here RAW as can be, and with grace, want to free my soul and surrender my anger for peace. I want peace in this world, my country, my community, my family, and within myself. I cannot carry and conceal my anger with reverence. Yes, there is a time and place for anger, and it has guided me on my path. I do and have loved many aspects of what my anger has done for me. I am alive today because of my anger’s guidance. I cannot hate this anger. Yet, I can surrender to the powers it has over me.
I am a very passionate person. I do love to teach and to be right. I also can admit when I am wrong and have made mistakes and may not be shining my brightest light. The anger is my darkness. There will always be dark and light, and there is a balance to it all. Without one, there is not the other. Therefore, I surrender the need for anger to guide me on my path, and will continue to search for the LOVE to help control the urge to go down the dark hole.
I know there will always be times in my life where I refer to anger and will use it to guide me toward safety and proper decision making. I am human and will experience many difference emotions throughout every breathing moment.
Yet, at this time in my life, I will continue to check myself when the anger takes over and becomes who I am and stop and ask if this is serving me. Am I getting my point across in the best possible way?
The relief that comes with this new epiphany, feels so refreshing and much lighter. That anger was a lot of weight to bear. I am on a journey of always bettering myself and trying to follow the path toward love and happiness. I see how anger has prevented some of that which I desire. It seems so simple. This is not the first time I’ve discussed my anger, it is the first time I have surrendered and not locked it up for later.
The book I am reading is What If God Was Serious? by Skye Jethani. I believe we are in a Spiritual War at this time in the World and my journey is to find my peace in my own spirituality. I have always shielded myself from “religion” because of all the hypocrisy I have seen and experienced. I have chosen to believe in faith and the universe and something bigger than myself, yet no name ever put to it. I am not sure if I will ever label myself or put myself in one box or another, yet I do know I have a deeper spiritual connection with whatever name we want to give this Higher Power, and I want to get more in touch with it. I’ve studied World Religions, from athiests, agnostics, Buddhists, Muslims, Christians, Catholics, and much of the entire realm. I see the beauty that was intended with each of these. I also have seen the infiltration that has permeated through all of these as well. I know this world needs more Faith and Belief in the Good over Evil. And that is where I focus. Maybe giving it a name, excludes all the goodness from each of these ideas, or maybe leaving it open honors and allows the beauty and goodness to shine throughout. I am not sure, as I am still on my personal journey. I just know that anger is no longer serving me and my guide will be LOVE. It may be a struggle at times and I will need to check myself back on track, yet I already feel the release and relief.
It is not a coincidence it felt like a train hit me. My Dad worked for the railroad for decades. I know he is up there or out there, taking care of me and still loving and guiding me. I have to quiet myself to hear and listen to his support. Reading books, seeing butterflies while I water my garden and just remaining open to the magic and wonders of life here and after, has helped guide me throughout my life and will continue. I surrender my anger and replace it with love and more importantly, TRUST.